I am an idiot.

•December 18, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Let it be known.
I feel more stupid now than I was when the year started.
And I honestly don’t know what happened.
I used to meditate and be more humble. Like true samurai were. And now… i resemble a peacock that has fallen inlove with itself and refuses to look at anything else but it’s own reflection.
I used to write about serious stuff, but I guess i ran out of ideas. I used to write decent short stories, now even creepypasta refuses to publish me on their main site.
Someone throw a huge rock at me and prove I’m still mortal.

Advertisements

The clenching of a fist

•December 6, 2013 • Leave a Comment

The father walks the snowy street
The mother cries at home
These old stairs, again they’ll never creak
Don’t worry child – you are not alone

The wolf hunts his pray at night
The drunk man starts his car
Misery comes from afar
Mistook you for a friend and now she hugs you tight

The poor family
Now poorer than before
Left to drift in sadness aimlessly
Are looking for a shore

The sobbing father clenched his fist
And yelled at Father Time:
“Can you heal this wound for my last dime?”
And as the wound finally closed
Death blew its final kiss

Now here the father sits
A cold gun against his head
A cold gun held with a shaking hand
The final clenching of a fist

A bitter shore

•December 6, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been playing happy for far too long
emotions overwhelm me
c’est la vie –
i still don’t know where i belong

Inhale, exhale
And that second inbetween the two
c’est la vie, mon amie
and these wounds should never heal

But they do, alas
and day by day
this flesh keeps making way
for new and new and new and new…

And more and more
this rage-burned soul
craves its bitter shore
A bitter shore, lit by the moon alone
A bitter shore –
somewhere i belong

Support

•November 26, 2013 • 2 Comments

And here we are again, the dark room, the apathy, the never-ending fall to unavoidable doom.
Been there, done that.
Today I would really like to talk to you about support. And no, I do not mean league of legends, fuck’s sake.
Now, we’ve all heard that supporting one another is one of the most important things in life. Cliche, but true.
You, me, we. No one can do anything if they don’t have someone to back them up.
Which brings me back to my original point – support eachother, okay? Encourage the person who means the world to you to just do what feels right. And don’t forget to do what you feel is right – kiss a stranger in the rain and run off, ask the person you like out and even if they refuse don’t you dare feel down.
Whatever you do, always be sure there is someone you trust to support you.
Almost no one supports my dream of being a writer (fuck money, i mean moral support) and that’s why it takes me so long to write a new post.
And it feels awful.
Imagine falling for eternity in a hole where you can always see the top and keep crashing trough rock-hard levels. There is no bottom, you just crash and fall deeper in the nothingness.
But you can always see the light at the top. But can’t do anything to reach it.
That’s what it feels like trying to do the things you love alone.
So fucking support eachother, you buttcheeks.
Also, one person talked to me via ask.fm about my blog. If you’re reading this – i fucking thank you so fucking much for the moral support that you can’t even imagine.
Talk to me again, okay?
Also^2, my ask.fm account is Erfalion. You can ask me anything you’d like.
PS: No, I don’t beg for questions, likes and/or support.
okay maybe i do want you to talk to me.

Erase existence

•September 9, 2013 • Leave a Comment

There are moments when you just feel like erasing yourself from existence. Moments like this one.

Ever wondered what’s on the other side? What will we meet if we are to meet anything? God? Satan? Giant cockroaches? Or do we just wake up anew not knowing anything from before, not knowing anything of our previous life? What was it called…reincarnation? If I could I would just fuck all of this in the butthole and live forever. You know, just to watch how eventually the world turns to dust and mutant crap.
And ends up smelling like butts and dead people.

So, now that we’ve cleared the fact that it doesn’t really matter what or who is on the other side if that side exists, what do you think of your life? You hate it, don’t you? C’mon, don’t lie to me, reader, you fucking hate something if not everything in your life. You hate your weakness that was a hindrance to you all this time and didn’t let you make decisions on your own; you hate your emotions that made you say and do things you didn’t wanna do.

YOU HATE SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

And that’s your biggest mistake.

Let me tell you a little secret – there are people who are happy they ate a banana today. That banana is all they had to eat. What did you eat today? Bet it was more expensive than a fuckin’ banana. I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I see a beggar or a homeless person looking through the trash I feel depressed and at the same time annoyed – what the fuck did that person do to society so that it could just let him fall so low? How could society live with the fact that there are people like the beggars and homeless who need help, but get spare change and buy bread so they could last at least another day or two.

Man, fuck society. Fuck everyone that is alive and doesn’t do jack shit to help others who need help.

Basically you can’t afford to hate your life when there are people who can’t afford a decent meal.  You feel depressed because you didn’t get the shit you wanted? There is a homeless person shitting in the bushes. Who do you think has it worse?

We, as smart, thinking and knowledgeable species, have failed to comprehend the secret of life – it has an end. Stack a million bucks and die of food poisoning, fucktard, no matter how much money you have you will die. Knowing that why aren’t you giving that money to the needy? Is it greed before need? Fuck you if that’s the case.

I’m not talking about you, reader. Unless you a millionaire who is selfish beyond infinity. In that case – fuck you. Go help a starving person or support a young author (Am not talking about myself, there are at least a dozen unnoticed authors who are better than me) or a painter or something. Help this world evolve.

Basically that was it. I feel like erasing myself from existence every time I see a homeless person dig through the trash as a rich person’s offspring is passing by in his new Mercedes whose price could feed that person and create for him a better tomorrow.  Or better yet, erase every selfish person from existence and watch what happens to this world. I guess there would be a dozen people left who would help each other until two of them want the same thing.

I guess it is right to say this:

Humans are only equal in death.

A few words about one of the great

•August 16, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Charles Bukowski was born on this date 93 years ago. It would’ve been an honor to be able to see him celebrate his birthday. Alas, he died in 1994, a year before i was even born.

I doubt Bukowski would’ve been as famous as he is now if he was still alive. People like him get the appreciation they deserve after they die. Because society suck massive cocks. That’s the truth.

Bukowski’s writing is…well…how can i put this – he has his own thing going on, you have to read it to understand. He shows examples of life you never thought were even there, he opens your eyes and it is your choice whether or not you’ll close ’em again.

On this day everyone should buy and read at least one of his books. Because Henry Charles Bukowski, or as his birthname was – Heinrich Karl Bukowski, deserves it.

Happy birthday, Bukowski. I’ll meet ya in Hell when the time comes. Cheers!

Just a stupid game: (or, how I got into writing)

•August 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Have you ever felt like your life is nothing but a game? Wonderful selfish feeling – you either win or lose, it’s all for and up to you, people around you and their feelings don’t matter a single bit.

And that’s what it should be like if you consider life a game. We have around 80 levels to go through and a single life to do so. Some of us think that we’ll get another life to just fuck sh*t up, but I doubt it.

I’ve been back to gaming recently – some Devil May Cry 3, 4 and 5, a little bit of Dark Summoner on my phone, you know, just wasting my time with stupid games. And there is a high possibility I’ll be getting my hands on a new PC as a gift, so there goes my future.

Have I ever told you about the passion I had (and still have) for videogames? A couple of years ago I played World of WarCraft from 8 AM ‘til 5 AM every day of the summer vacation. Now I suffer from chronic insomnia. Don’t know if it is thanks to that, but there are times when I haven’t slept for a week and even more. And I didn’t even play on the original server since I don’t have the money to stuff Blizzard’s mouth. Anyway, played Fable II for a long time, DMC series, Unreal Tournament, Hitman, Grand Theft Auto, Assassin’s Creed and whatnot. I loved videogames so much that I got addicted. Like the main character in Btooom! they became my reality. Asocial, pissed off, skinny, hunched. Then I paid attention to my real-life surroundings and started going to the gym (actually no, that came in a bit later on). Stopped playing games and started drawing – I was decently aware of what real art should look like from all the unlockables in games (Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones and the Devil May Cry series have a nice set of unlockable art as far as I remember) and artbooks, so drawing was a “nice new drug.”

But it all changed when The Witcher attacked.

First the books. I loved every single one of them and I’ve re-read most of them.
Then the videogame that I have played for days and days because of its amazing open world.
The movie was a bit sh*t, can’t lie about that.

After reading the first Witcher book my view on life and its meaning changed dramatically. I was no longer interested in games or drawing – books became my addiction. I read and read and read until nothing more interested me. I completed book after book, saved up my money in order to buy new ones and re-read old ones.

Then I started writing.

After 3 failed attempts at writing a book I stopped trying and a couple of years later (two to be precise) was motivated to write some short stories. That was last summer I think. (a BIG shoutout to the guys at opforum.net for their support. My shitty at first writing seemed less shitty thanks to you guys.)

Moving on, since the seventh grade I wanted to be a game-tester. You get the idea why. But after finishing reading the first Witcher book I quickly forgot about that dream and tried to write (as I said, I was not all that good when I began and I know I still have a long road ahead of me).

Back to gaming for a bit – interesting is that I put much more effort in gaming than I do in real life. I’ve spend weeks farming Red Orbs in Devil May Cry 3, hours and hours, and hours of useless WoW raiding and battling and planning strategies and collecting loot, hours of thought about the fastest way to rank higher in Dark Summoner and become better. It’s all so fucking stupid. Instead of wasting time I could’ve created something. I could’ve studied for exams or something like that. I dislike studying for school since my opinion is that all the things you need to know can be taught to you by books – no one in school will explain about body language, how to act dominant but not like an asshole, how to battle your fears and anxiety and such other important things you’ll need to know in order to be successful with people and in life. Basically I could know all the chemistry and biology topics by heart by now if they were in videogames or explained in an understandable way in books.

I guess some of you might say:  “You’ve wasted your life with videogames and you’re wasting your life with useless dreams and hopes about the future now. You can’t be a writer or a game-tester, get your head down from the clouds and get back to reality.”

To which I would politely reply with this: “Please go sodomize yourself. If a person is unable to hope and dream he is useless. Gaming was a period in my life that has had a huge effect on me. Throughout the guilds I’ve been in and those I have created, throughout the gaming forums I visited, I have met countless of people and gained knowledge that no man can gain from just doing what should be done.  In order to understand how people think you need to break a few rules and break the icy chains that bind you to what you’ve been taught is right. To understand yourself you need to challenge yourself to do things you find interesting and not force yourself in doing things you dislike. Because it all has an effect on your outer appearance, your aura and your soul. So if you don’t understand me but want to – just ask me. Don’t argue with me about my beliefs and about what I feel. Just hush and listen. This story has no ending. Eventually I’ll force my body to go where my mind is and then I’ll fulfill my dreams. This story has more than one beginning.”

Let me tell you how knowledge affects you:

First, you sell your soul for knowledge.
Second, you slowly lose your sanity in order to comprehend the new information.
Third, you find yourself anew throughout applying the newly gained knowledge.

And this is what happens every time you evolve after reading certain books or understand something valuable in life. All books and games (and even music and paintings) can make you think differently about the world. All you need to do is to truly believe that you have a lot more to learn and to never give up on gaining knowledge and finding yourself.

Just like I am doing now.

Because no matter what anyone else says, no matter what they desire or feel, I have been bestowed the crown of the living being and I have to forge my own destiny using whatever, but not whoever, I find along the road I have chosen to walk.

Because it is my road.

And no one walks and understands it better than me.

But not even I know where I’m going. I guess I’ll find out once I get there and until I do I’ll never stop walking forward and searching for myself while doing the things I like. Because I am alive and that is what matters most. Money and social status can be earned, but no one will give any one of us a second life to spend all that money or enjoy our social status.

“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.”

~ Frank Zappa

“You have one life left” and if you don’t use it the right way it’s “Game over”, you hear me?